This year I decided to make a different type of resolution. One that did not involve reiterating the same lies I’ve told myself previous years ie: I will work-out, lose weight, eat better, cut people off that mean me no good etc. I chose not to even stay awake till 12:00 a.m. as I usually would, to prove to myself that I made it. I was fast asleep by 8 p.m. and ate whatever the hell I wanted!
My resolution for 2021 was not to have a resolution AT ALL! To some this may be a normal epiphany and you haven’t made a resolution in years or NEVER have! It is to YOU I say “WOW I’d love to be more like YOU!” What I am just learning at the age of 32 some may never learn or already have. 2020 was full of chaos, confusion and uncertainty however, one thing I realized was that it did not take a “yearly marker”, certain time or place for me to decide to “Just Do It”.
In the mist of a worldwide Pandemic, National quarantine, TWO economic shutdowns and numerous untimely and unjustified deaths of African-Americans causing a nationwide riot I managed to have my first child with the love of my life, reestablish myself financially, start a small business, continue to own a home, buy two cars, plan a wedding, finally find a position that would pay me for my EDUCATION, maintain my own personal sanity and mental health while being mommy, daughter, wife, boss and entrepreneur!
This is not a post to brag, as some may think. It is a post to tell my story and why I am taking the road I have chosen to HONESTY and self awareness. Life is a strange occurrence in the sense that just when you think you know everything you find yourself totally clueless and learning all over again until you pass away. If this truly is the case then why not learn all you can? If you have been wanting to go to school DO IT! Wanting to get married DO IT! Wanting to start a business, join a club, ask someone out, leave a job, have another child, take a trip, move JUST DO IT!! Stop waiting for tomorrow or the next day. DEFINITLY stop waiting for NEXT YEAR!
As we embark upon a new year in less than 24 hours it would be hoo of us all to realize WE ALL STILL MAY NOT MAKE IT TO SEE 12:00 a.m. 1/1/21. It is an unfortunate truth that many do not realize until it is actually in front of you. Death, is a crazy vibe in itself, but what about those that are left to pick up the pieces they left behind such as: kid(s), loved ones, friends, family and perhaps even a spouse. Everyone does not experience grief the same even though it is noted that the five stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. I must say contrary to popular belief these stages are not always lineal and most often even ricochet over and over. Like a scorching pain shooting up your leg from hitting your knee against an end table, the sensation is both surprisingly hurtful and all you seem to be able to think about is when it will end.
The short answer to that question is: Never. This may not be what you wanted to hear but I do have great news, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! NO REALLY!! IT DOES…but it comes with time and everyone’s timeline is different. When I lost my father in 2018 at Duke Hospital in Raleigh to Acute Myeloid Leukemia I felt as though my life had just crashed and burned. All of a sudden I felt an overwhelming sense of fear! I know this sounds awkward but remember I said “Everyone does not experience grief the same”. I still remember what I was doing, what I was wearing, where I was and when I got the call that my father was no longer here in the physical form. I seemed to go through denial and anger instantly, skipped bargaining and went straight to depression before an overwhelming fear shuttered through my blood. I entered a state of delirium and even forgot that I was at home, I lost track of everything and felt like I was in the middle of a really horrible dream. It was not until I felt the phone still in my hand, the tears soaking my shirt and heard a voice that was screaming to the top of their lungs in an ear shattering anguish that I realized it was coming from my own throat, in my own home and I was not waking up because I had never fell asleep.
The most important thing to understand as you move past your hurt is that LIFE GOES ON and it’s O.K. While it may not be going on still for your loved one YOURS DOES. This is not to sound callus or lacksadazical in any way because I too must remind myself often, sometimes even daily. When the day your loved one passed on comes around you anticipate it and the depression and sadness it brings along in its purse. You can’t imagine EVER forgetting the day….until you do. As time and life goes on you may even find yourself forgetting the event of the day altogether and ACTUALLY have fun. The next day or days after you look at the calendar and a jolt of sickness hits you like the feeling you get when you realize you left your card in the ATM and you are now home! You forgot!!! You lived your life and didn’t even think about the depression you were supposed to have!! You took your kids out to eat, bought a new purse and even had sex!!! How dare you!!
Hopefully, you understood how sarcastic I was trying to be. I don’t mean to sound cliché but do you think your loved one would want you to be that way? If so you probably shouldn’t be experiencing grief at all, perhaps something different. You did NOT forget about your loved one, you may even still think about them daily. Your heart and spirit is now trying to place that person with you eternally and not on such a shallow level as exact dates that will no longer be celebrated the same. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to yourself “They will NEVER be forgotten…but I’m moving on”.
In the African American community more so than any other we experience a great deal of women that unfortunately must take on the responsibility of raising a child on their own. They may have other supports such as family, loved ones and friends to assist but not always. These women are extremely strong mentally, physically and emotionally. The reasons fathers choose to exit their child(rens) lives are various but NONE seem to render a legitimate EXCUSE (they are ALL excuses btw). But before we rag on the men too much remember that SOMETIMES it is the other way around.
“Single fathers” or “Mr. Moms” seem to be a taboo topic for our community. Especially black men left to raise a daughter(s). It is often thought that the mother must have passed away; as if only this extreme would be the reason for a woman to abandon her child, when there are SEVERAL lifetime and hallmark movies about it and orphanages AREN’T EMPTY! Some women simply weren’t cut out for the job. Just because a female can produce doesn’t mean she can NURTURE. Hell even some animal species EAT THEIR YOUNG!
I have only been a mommy for 7 months and seem to already know more than some. It is sad to know that some mothers never took to motherhood or being able to sacrifice for the well-being of their child. Let’s take the fathers out of the equation since the old saying went “mothers baby, fathers maybe”. This was a quote to downplay the roll of a father and up play the role of a mother, which is DEFINITELY not fair but in some cases true. The twist to the plot is that now days it could be the complete opposite yet people seem to always believe the mothers side. Not all MOTHERS are mommys. Some truly are ONLY BABY MAMAS! I SAID WTF I SAID .
M- MAD at the world because she couldn’t keep her legs closed or get on some sort of birth control so she would stop having children she couldn’t and WONT take care of.
A- ATTITUDE for no reason at those that try to drop knowledge on her and help her HELP HERSELF AND HER KID(S). More than likely because she knows she is wrong but can’t find it in herself to do BETTER!
M- MANIACAL (yes it’s a real word and it is defined as a violent and extremely wild person). Women that have nothing to lose (not even the respect of their children) so they attempt to drag everyone else around them down as well and if it doesn’t work they lash out.
A- ADOLESCENT outlook PERIODT. Young and immature in nature, a child herself in the head so she was and STILL not prepared to take care of her child(ren).
Ladies DO BETTER!! Nobody cares if he was a “dog”, lied to you, hurt you, wasn’t who you thought he was etc. YOUR CHILD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!! They deserve the best they can obtain and if it isn’t with YOU then ATLEAST ensure it is with someone that will truly take care of them, love them and desire their company ALL THE TIME, not just when it’s convenient or cute for pictures. If the dad is the one that would like to take care of them LET HIM!!! Stop being bitter because it didn’t work out WITH YOU and he can be a bigger person for the soul of his babies. Go get HELP and hopefully come back to your responsibilities. Woman to woman and MOMMY to baby M.A.M.A.
Everyone loves to know that their significant other craves their attention, presence, aroma, vibes and aura. Most women even love to have a man that is a bit territorial and protective. Men also have a secret fantasy for “crazy girls” the ones that adore stalking you at work, going through your phone and hacking your social media. “Hey don’t shoot the messenger” I’m just saying, some individuals prefer a tighter leash than others so to speak. I have personally experienced the extremes of these dimensions up to and including being threatened at my place of employment by an ex, being stalked, being in a car chase for life and having to file a restraining order. So now I ask, “where is the line in the sand” between playful aggressive behavior and full blown FATAL ATTRACTION?. I was not one bit turned on by the occurrence of any of this! I was not driving 120 mph down a freeway trying to escape my crazed ex thinking “boy I never felt more alive”. In fact I thought I was actually going to die!
While it is usually understood at the start of a union that there is a certain level of respect necessary between two individuals in a relationship of some sort, it is often times NOT understood the boundaries each person abides by or feels are necessary. It is important to speak candidly about this as soon as the relationships begins to get “serious”. This includes: hanging out often (2-3x a week), talking or conversing on the phone daily, kissing often, spending the night and quality time after hours watching movies and eating popcorn, going out to eat together and calling them “dates” exchanging the words “I LOVE YOU” as well as having sex MORE THAN A ONE NIGHT STAND!!! I must say that not all people feel the examples I presented as traits of a “serious relationship” are true. Some feel NONE of these things mean a thing overall when describing or determining the intensity of a kinship. All I can say to this is THEY ARE USUALLY ONES THAT GET THE CRAZY INDIVIDUALS ON THEIR TEAM!!! I would probably be one of them if I ran across a person that did not think I constituted a level of loyalty and respect after ALL THIS!
However, this post is not about those that have commitment issues and lack substance regarding what a REAL relationship should consist of. This post is for those that are fine with boundaries, rules and loyalty for their significant other, only issue is their significant other TAKES THINGS TOO FAR! Some characteristics to look out for and not to take lightly when dating or entering a monogamous relationship are:
1) Controlling- What to wear, what to eat, what to do, where to go, how to act and who you can be around.
2) Abusive- Physical, Mental or Emotional abuse is NEVER OK, it is NEVER FUNNY and it will NEVER ONLY HAPPEN ONCE!!! Don’t believe the hype that they did not mean it or will never do it again because they will and it will continue until you pull the plug or decide enough is enough.
3) Hypocritical- Some abusive or aggressively dominant adults have a hard time practicing what they preach surprisingly. Some often lay out laws, rules and regulations that they themselves are not able to abide by. For example: They never want you to go to the club alone, yet they go alone all the time and blame it on the fact that YOU don’t know how to act, but they do, or YOU are not able to be trusted yet they are.
4) Unstable- Personality disorders are alot more common than most realize, most times we joke around and tell someone they must be bi-polar due to going from one extreme of happiness to the next extreme of deep depression for example if they suddenly think of something sad such as a lost loved one, a failed marriage, a severed relationship etc. These personality fluctuations are normal and come once in a while however, if your significant other constantly has mood swings that include: lashing out physically, yelling, screaming, spewing demeaning comments about you or leaving the relationship only to beg for you to come back. These behaviors are a level of instability that you should NOT be obligated to deal with in your personal life.
5) History- I am a firm believer not to judge a book by its cover and lets face it all of us have a past. If your significant other has a history of being physically abusive, having drinking issues, being a drug-abuser or any other inappropriate conduct this must be seriously considered before accepting a deeper relationship status offer. Also you should first think of these instances before entering a romantic relationship with them AT ALL!
I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!I DONT CARE!!!!!!!……………….and never will about what you think of me, my family, my thoughts, my intentions, my emotions, my energy, my vibe, my outlooks on things, my work ethic, my ambitions, my goals, my dreams, my love language, my failures, my regrets, my victories, my lessons learned, my selections, my opportunities, my downfalls, my weaknesses, my strengths, my lifestyle, my dress code, my hairstyle, my religion, my spirituality, my assets, my mishaps, my skin color, my accent, my intellect, my educational background, my decisions, my conclusions, my solutions, my abilities, my demeanor, my presence OR EVEN WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS POST!!!
Non-Verbal communication accounts for a whopping 93 percent of what is understood between two individuals. If we rest in a moment of thought about the fact just presented, we will find that it is not all that hard to believe. Of course I would have guessed somewhere over half, if someone would have asked me “do you know what percentage you still communicate with others without ever saying a word”. My response would have been 50%, 65% even as high as 70 but no…..only 7 % of what comes out of your mouth means anything when you truly think about it. This is disheartening to know when I think if all the times I searched for the “perfect words”. Now when applied to our everyday lives how does this change EVERYTHING!
The main people you think you may be fooling for example the neighbor that talks too much causing you stop going to the mailbox the same time they do, mowing the lawn while they are out planting flowers or walking their dog. Now you simply look pre-occupied with the speck of lint on your jacket when they look your way trying to get your attention or give a half hearted wave and false sad facial gesture to communicate “you wish you had time to chat but you gotta run” as you back out of the driveway and make as little eye contact as possible. You learn to check the mail when you get home at 5 pm, knowing they will not be there waiting to tell you all about how their dog coughed up another one of their cats hairballs. One day you look out your window and the neighbor grabs their mail without even giving your home a second look, even if you are leaving while they collect their mail like you have routinely done to avoid interaction, they seem to only briefly glance your way and offer the same half wave you have done the past several weeks and return to their door unaffected by your presence as they once were.
How about at work, the person you attempt to avoid so that you do not have to deal with their incompetence or lack of ever knowing what to do or what they should be doing. You mosey to your office with a brief “Good Morning” chipper enough not to be pursued and asked “whats wrong” because what is truly wrong is YOU DON’T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED BY THEIR PRESENCE! Yet and still here they come, down the hall to your office to intrude on the crumb of piece you thought you’d obtain by not being as approachable or interactive. When the co-worker hangs in your doorway, ready to ramble off their list of questions, comments, concerns and complaints that have absolutely nothing to do with you, you try to hide your look of disdain behind your paper face mask (Covid Precaution number one and LIFESAVER for people like me that can’t hide facial expressions any other way than covering half my face) and not seem as annoyed as you actually are that they exist and are HERE, RIGHT NOW. However, somehow they begin to realize you don’t necessarily want them around. They stop coming to your office and find another supervisor or employee to torture. You are outrageously happy and appeased that they have moved on but, could you have signaled that they should stop bothering you in some way?
Last example but by far not the most uncommon are the people you actually PRETEND to like. The people you try to be “alright” with because they hold some sort of importance in your life (or so you feel). These individuals can be family members, friends of the family, associates that would like to be more etc. You smile your best smile, wave your best wave and attempt to speak when necessary to avoid any feelings of doubt that you are one of their best accomplices all the while knowing deep down you would not feel any type of way if they vanished or decided to “cut you off” sometimes you even wish they would so you wouldn’t be the one to say “hey, I really don’t like how you feel to me energy wise and I think it would be best if we never spoke again unless it came down to life or limb”. Then one day your prayers are answered, they no longer call, text, stop by or attempt to interact with you in any way other than what is needed. There is a part of you that wonders if they caught on to your true feelings or if someone may have hipped them to your disdain for their existence.
The truth is all in the ENERGY and non-verbal communication. Some may choose to be naive to this truth and feel that energy, vibe, aura, hints, signs and clues are pointless to attempt to decode or utilize as a form of measurement when deciding whether or not to continue to pursue a person’s friendship, presence or attention; these individuals are in reality choosing to cut off or ignore a basic and important primitive skill passed down from our ancestors ancestors. The “knowing” that something is not right, especially when around a certain person(s). In other words the ENERGY IS FXCKED UP! Be real with yourself and if you feel obliged let the person know also that you will be distancing yourself for personal reasons. You do not have to go into detail about all the things they have done knowingly or unknowingly. If not then just stop faking the funk because eventually those non-verbal communications and F’d up vibes will either get the best of you or you will simply continue to suffer alone, they wont because 9/10 they have already picked up on the clues and decided they were fine with the awkwardness as long as you are. Free yourself and the space being utilized by individuals that do not compliment you and who you truly are.
The most true reason I chose to live a life of honesty and realistic idealism is that I have never appreciated the moralistic values of society. Who made them? Who decided they would be set for our entire universe? Who decided what was “good” and “bad”. “God”. God did. He set forth his disciple Jesus on earth to tell us what we should do in order to gain acceptance into the after life and not be damned to a fiery pit of everlasting flame and undying worms. Thee end.
The very things we are to look away from? Kayne said it best “Why everything that’s spose’ to be bad make me feel so good?”. Or do they? Who is God? Who are his parents? Did they learn him up in this way also? Where is his lineage? ………………..By no means am I am an atheist or a non believer of Christ.
However, the “Holy Spirit” is where my loyalty is kissed. The SPIRIT I feel this is within us all. A set of common sense laws within our own selves that tells us the obvious. I speak with no intentions of blasphemy but sometimes…..do you ever feel like God? What if when the great book states “he made US in his image” it was to say that US are HIM in the sense that we all have a part of who GOD actually is meaning he is partly US and PARTLY SPIRIT.
As I experienced the conception, pregnancy and birth of my son I felt an overwhelming power. Graciously in the physical but mostly my mental growth escalated past what I have ever imagined. The things I understand and the emotions and senses I collect from things, people and places has heightened my awareness to certain laws that never meant a thing to me before. For example as God adored Adam and Eve he must have been enthralled with their innocence and naive outlook on their presence. Like my child I adore him, I pray he never encounters the tree of good and evil and learns about the mistakes the world has made. The mistakes his mommy has made.
Unfortunately, in the African-American community it is an unspoken vibe that if you decided to pursue your education past the status of High School Graduate or even Associates Degree you must either “have money”, “Be smart” or “Did not get it out the mud” (meaning you did not struggle to the top as others did without education to establish a role of leadership or status) rather you “skipped the line”. If you refer to my previous blog entitled: Rumor Has It, You’re Voting For TRUMP! BUT YOU’RE BLACK!! I speak about how blacks subconsciously uphold the “Crabs in a Bucket” stigma meaning they turn on one another at the drop of a dime, just as crabs in a boiling pot of water, some of us will constantly pull one another down when it appears they are getting closer to the rim of the “pot” instead of climbing each other’s backs and getting out one by one, altogether. What baffles and intrigues me the most about this issue is that times have long changed since blacks were not permitted to attend educational establishments, to the point that whole HBCU’s (Historically Black College Universities) have been built in honor of those that lead the revolution towards awarding a chance of higher learning for African American’s. Numerous scholarships, grants, loan options and even donations are offered to minorities annually to attend higher learning, yet and still some simply do not take advantage of these opportunities and it is the fault of those that DID!
EXCUSE: “Im not smart enough for college”
ME: Most people in college are not super smart! I achieved a 2.6 GPA in High school and had to beg my math teacher for a C so that I could graduate on time.
EXCUSE: “I need to make money NOW, I don’t have time to sit in anybody classroom”
ME: How long have you been working without higher education? How much do you make? How much does the person at your job with a degree make? How long has he been there? Probably not even as long as YOU!
EXCUSE: “It’s too late for me to go to school, I got kids and responsibilities and a job during the day, I don’t have time.
ME: Online education is the easiest thing I have ever done! I wish I could have completed my undergrad online however, I needed the discipline of residency to achieve the grades I needed to maintain my scholarship, if I had stayed home at 18 and tried to go to school online I would not have made it. I completed the entirety of my Master’s ONLINE!
EXCUSE: School is too expensive and I don’t have the credit to take out a loan/don’t want to take out a loan, I heard you pay on student loans until the day you die.
ME: I have completed 11 years of education and only owe $3,000! I obtained an Air Force Scholarship for my undergraduate degree, completed 4 years in the Air Force to pay back the money “in service for the military”, I utilized Tuition Assistance (TA) while I was in the Air Force to complete some of my Masters courses for FREE, the rest I paid out of pocket, one class at a time until they were paid up. I should have completed both degrees in less than 7 years however, due to paying out of pocket I had to take them as I could afford to take them.
I do understand that college is not for everyone and it is indeed very tedious and demanding however, so is working daily, completing the same task as your supervisor/boss IF NOT MORE for a WHOLE LOT LESS!!! I can not count the amount of times I entered a position automatically as the supervisor or boss in charge simply based on my experience AND EDUCATION. Even though every time I received some dirty looks or overheard slick comments such as “How did she end up in that position and I been working here 10 YEARS!” I do not believe I skipped the line at all by investing in myself and accepting the SET BACK for a SET UP! Stop being bitter and invest in yourself TODAY ALSO!! IF NOT then SHUT UP and continue to flip fries, burgers, and wipe down counter-tops while the boss that doesn’t even know what temperature food should be kept at makes double your paycheck because they have an “underwater basket weaving” DEGREE!!! Jus sayin